Donna Stichbury · The Relationship Facilitator
Why Does My Anger Run So Deep?
A gentle introduction to wounds and needs
If your anger feels bigger than the moment in front of you, you are not imagining it, and you are not alone. Often there is a reason it runs so deep. Two simple ideas can change how you see it: wounds and needs.
1What do we mean by a wound?
A wound is not always one big dramatic event. It is a painful meaning we took on, usually when we were young and still working out how the world works. A child cannot say "this is a one off, it is not about me". They simply decide something, and the body remembers it.
Everyone's wounds are different, and the one sitting underneath your anger is not always obvious. Working out which one is the key.
Wounds are not about blame. Most of the people who shaped us were doing the best they could. A wound is simply an old hurt that never got the care it needed.
2And what do we mean by a need?
Every human being has needs. Things like feeling safe, being heard and being respected. When our needs are met, our bodies settle. When they are not, the body sounds an alarm. Anger is one of the loudest alarms we have.
3How they come together in a moment of anger
Here is a simple picture. Someone is late and does not text.
This is why the reaction can feel far bigger than the event. Part of you is responding to today, and part of you is responding to every time before. When the old hurt is touched strongly, the body can also rush into fight or flight, or switch off completely. That is your nervous system protecting you, not a flaw in your character.
4Why trying harder is not enough
Many people spend years trying to stay calm through willpower alone. That works on the behaviour, which is only the top layer. While the wound and the unmet need are still sitting underneath, the alarm keeps going off. Real change tends to begin when we get curious about what sits underneath, rather than fighting the anger itself.
If you feel curious, you are welcome to book a relaxed Zoom coffee chat with me. No pressure, just a conversation about what you are noticing.
DonnaStichbury-TheRelationshipfacilitator.as.me/ChatwithDonna
If your anger or shutdown feels frightening, lasts for days, or leads to things that put you or others at risk, please reach out for support as well: a counsellor or therapist, your doctor, or someone you trust. Asking for help is a wise use of your resources, not a failure. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact your local emergency number (111 in New Zealand).
Mauri Aroha. 🌿
Important information. Donna Stichbury is an attachment mentor, not a counsellor or therapist. The content of this handout is provided for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, diagnosis or treatment. Should you require clinical support, please consult a suitably qualified health professional.
Donna Stichbury · The Relationship Facilitator · donnastichbury.com
Drawing on Integrated Attachment Theory.
For personal use only. Copyright Donna Stichbury 2026.
