Nothing here is about blame
If you are reading this, you are already paying close attention to your child. Every parent misses things. What helps is learning to see a little more, and learning how to come back after a miss.
The small signals that come first
Before a meltdown, a shutdown or a loud "no", there are usually smaller moments. They are quick and quiet.
- A glance away
- A change in breathing
- A pause before reaching
- A body that goes stiff
- A body that goes soft
- A hand on your leg
- A look to see if you are watching
These are easy to miss. You are making dinner, you are tired, you are thinking about tomorrow. Most parents miss most of them, and that is completely normal.
In my work, these small moments are where we spend a lot of our time. They are the earliest way your child tells you something.
What a child decides about themselves
Children make meaning out of what happens to them. When their small signals keep going unanswered, a child does not think "Mum was busy." They tend to decide something about themselves instead:
- My needs are too much.
- It is not safe to be fully me.
- I have to watch for who is cross with me.
That last one matters. A child who has learned to watch for it becomes a scanner. Ordinary moments start to feel like threats: a tone of voice, a correction, a look. From the outside it can seem like extreme sensitivity to unfairness. Underneath, "That is not fair!" is often "Do I still belong here?"
If your child has ADHD or is autistic
Children with ADHD or autism often send signals that are faster, subtler or simply different from what most parents expect. A child who looks away may be listening harder. A child who moves constantly may be settling their body.
Because the signals are different, even devoted parents miss more of them. These children also collect more corrections along the way. After thousands of small corrections, a child can conclude that something is wrong with them.
Their signals are not wrong. They need a different reader. Some of their sensitivity to unfairness is also accurate. They really have been misunderstood more often than other children.
How the pattern keeps itself going
- A small signal goes unnoticed.
- The child decides something is wrong with them.
- Their body stays on guard, and ordinary moments feel like blame.
- More conflict follows, which seems to prove the belief.
And around it goes again.
The good news is that the loop can be interrupted at any point. Each time you catch a small signal, or repair after missing one, the loop loosens. Your child gets another experience of "my signals land."
What the behaviour might be asking for
These are starting points, not rules. Every child is different, and you know yours best.
"It is not fair!" and an explosion
- What may be underneath
- Their body is on alert and they are checking whether they are in trouble.
- A first thing to try
- Get low, slow your voice and say "I am here. I can see this feels really unfair."
Ignores you or will not come
- What may be underneath
- They may be fully absorbed, or overloaded and unable to switch.
- A first thing to try
- Go to them. Wait until they show they have noticed you, then say one short thing.
Melts down over something small
- What may be underneath
- It is rarely the small thing. It is often the last of many moments that went unmet.
- A first thing to try
- Keep them safe, say little and stay close. Talk about it later when their body is calm.
Pushes you away, then clings
- What may be underneath
- They want closeness and do not yet feel safe enough to ask for it.
- A first thing to try
- Offer connection without pressure. Sit nearby and stay available.
Cannot stop moving
- What may be underneath
- Their body may be working to settle itself.
- A first thing to try
- Offer movement before the hard thing, not as a reward after it.
Staying connected to yourself
You may have heard that we all have a window where we can cope. Staying in that window is not about staying calm. It is about staying connected to yourself, so you can feel what is happening in your body and choose what to do next.
When you are revved up or shut down, that link has loosened. It is not a failure. It is information. And it matters for your child, because they borrow your steadiness. When you find your way back to yourself, you are also helping them find their way back.
Missing is normal. Repair is what matters.
Research on parents and babies shows that even very close pairs are in tune only part of the time. What makes the difference is how often they find their way back to each other.
A repair can be tiny. A softer voice, a hand on a shoulder, or "That was hard. I got cross. I am still here." Children learn from repair that when connection breaks, it comes back. That is one of the most settling things a child can know.
How I work with families
Relational Flow
This grows from Interplay, which at its deeper levels is used to work with trauma. Relational Flow is my softer version, made for families facing everyday challenges. We weave and coregulate the attachment styles present in your family, with the aim of creating security after some more challenging seasons. It is never about guilt or shame. Many families carry intergenerational trauma, and this is a place to see what is there in plain sight. We slow down to notice the small moments, look at what state you and your child are each in, such as calm, revved up or shut down, and make sense of the behaviour together. I can often read this in the room, or through your messages.
Respectful, unhurried care
This comes from my Pikler training. Watch before stepping in, let your child lead where you can, and treat them as a capable person. It only works when you are settled too, so we look after you as well.
Attachment mentoring
Sometimes a child's behaviour touches something old in us. We look at where your own reactions come from, so you can respond instead of react.
Three small things to try this week
Watch for thirty seconds. Once a day, simply watch your child without fixing anything. Notice their breathing, their hands, where their eyes go.
Breathe out before you respond. One slow breath out. Your calm is the first thing your child borrows.
Repair after a hard moment. Name it, own your part and stay close. "That was hard. I am still here."
Want to talk it through?
Book a relaxed Zoom coffee chat with me. We can look at what is happening for your child and for you, and what a first step might be.
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